Videoblog 16/365 | The Depression Creep

Comment question of the day: what do you do when y0u’re feeling down to help boost your mood?

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Driving Through Depression No. 9

Our first drive of 2016! The photos were taken right after we had chinese food on the 1st (my new year’s day tradition). There would probably be more and better photos, but I ate myself into a stupor. Actually I seriously over ate and I was pretty ill for most of the drive, but I hung in there and took these photos.

Enjoy and don’t forget to be awesome,

Carly

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Dear Mood, Don’t Ever Change

At support group, we rate our mood on a scale of 1-10, one being real bad and ten being great. Lately I’ve been a ten. It’s been the first time I’ve ever felt comfortable saying I was a ten. But today, right this moment, up at 4am and just hanging out, I feel like it’s slipping. I don’t want it to. I know it’s not realistic to be great all the time but I don’t think it’s just a normal slight slip in mood. I think it might be me cycling into depression.

Really? It had to happen right now?

I’ve just got a couple little small symptoms. My projects feel more intimidating and daunting. I feel a heaviness seeping into the pores of my body. I don’t know if my schedule is still working or I’m just acting like it is. I don’t know if there’s a point to all of it.

So that’s where I’m at right now and how I feel. I’m going to fight it. It’s crunch time to stick to my schedule and goals and use my coping skills and all that stuff. I’ll let you know how it goes.

 

2015 Year In Review

I really only started taking my blog really seriously in September/October of this year. So I thought I would fill in some gaps in time by letting you know what happened to me throughout the year in 2015. I’m including links to related posts, but you’ll see that there aren’t many in the early part of the year.

All links lead to related blog posts.

January

In January, I got into a car accident when I was sideswiped by another car. Totally his fault, no injuries and the car was repaired. I moved in with Mom part way through the month to work on my mental health. I worked at a call center and was starting to dislike it. I was also teaching class at the university though, and loved that as always.

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February

In February, I went to Visioncon and had a booth there for Quirky Mugs. We didn’t make any money in the booth, I think we were lucky to maybe break even. I also ate a lot of ramen noodles and bought shoes that were outside my comfort zone on a shopping trip with my friend Chrystal.

 

 

March

In March, I was still staying with Mom but I spent a decent amount of time at my house repainting the walls with Nicole and watching Twin Peaks by myself. I watched the whole series. I continued to teach and work at the call center.

April

April is a tough month to talk about. I spent the first week and a half of the month in the hospital after a suicide attempt. I took too many pills, my antidepressant specifically. Nicole moved me back into the house when I was released from the hospital. I felt so much better being home. We planted flowers in the front yard and an herb garden for me in the backyard. I took a few weeks off work but went right back to teaching.

May

In May, Tunechi helped me go through all the clothes in my closet. I also hit my one-year mark at my job and was able to request FMLA, which was approved. I started working less. Classes ended. I visited my dad & stepmom at the end of the month. I had a depressive episode, noted in my journal, followed by a hypomanic episode where I decided I wanted to quit my job and be a reseller full time. I started doing Amazon FBA with a fury.

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June

I never set foot back into my call center job after I took that weekend to visit my dad & stepmom. I officially quit at the beginning of July. I kept up with Amazon FBA, my Etsy shop and started selling on Ebay.

July

From halfway through July to halfway through August I was off my meds due to a lapse in insurance from quitting my job. I also started designing my own coffee mugs and tending the garden in our backyard. I tried to start vlogging again.

 

August

I had a depressive episode at the beginning of August and stayed in bed for two weeks due to the lack of medicine. I started teaching again, this time Electronic Music which I had a lot of anxiety about. I thought about going to support group but didn’t. Once I was out of that depression, I started a cooking journal and did meal planning. It didn’t last long.

September

In September, Dolly & I spent all our time outside blogging and I tried to have a sugar-free month. Nicole & I refinished furniture on the weekends. I had basically stopped doing reselling but was still teaching. I reorganized my office to the way it is now. I got sick with some sinus stuff and spent a week watching Doctor Who. Nicole also had a week off of work this month, which is really rare for her. We spent it driving around.

October

In October, I spent lots of time with my camera, learned how to use manual mode and we started throwing around the idea of starting a photography business. We found our first abandoned building to photograph on our first trip out to look for one. Teaching got more stressful and I looked forward to when I would be finished with the semester. I went to my first support group at NAMI in a very long time. I posted my first Driving Through Depression post, which turned into my favorite blog post to create (the driving!).

November

In November I wrote a novel about zombies for NaNoWriMo. We went on more drives. I bought a remote for my camera and did my Self Portrait Project. I baked some pies. We had fun at Thanksgiving with both my family & Nicole’s. I kept on blogging and teaching. Nicole gave me her FitBit and Dolly chewed it up. I started videoblogging again and went off one of my medications because I ran out of refills.

December

I turned 31 on the 3rd. Off my medication, I went into a depressive episode that sent me to the hospital for a few days. I didn’t take as many photos as October & November but I kept making videoblogs and blogging. I had my first sewing lesson and started art journaling. After my trip to the hospital, I got a regular schedule in order for myself and that has been going super well.

 

 

Gratitude & The Indiscriminate Nature of Mental Illness

Today at 3:45 p.m. I was discharged from the hospital after a nearly four-day stint at an inpatient psychiatric treatment facility. I left my stay with a change of diagnosis to Bipolar NOS (Not Otherwise Specified), a newfound love for chapstick and clothes that aren’t scrubs and the realization that mental illness is completely indiscriminate and gratitude is important.

It’s not really that I didn’t know already that mental illness doesn’t discriminate, but it’s not something I thought about very often. While I was in the hospital, I met and talked to a lot of people. People who were so different than me and some who were not so different. People with no place to go when they left the hospital and people, like me, with homes full of love and support to greet them when they left. People who were older than me, filled with experience and wisdom and people younger than me with long futures ahead of them. People who can budget and spend their money wisely and people who just struggle until the next paycheck. People who clean their house meticulously as a coping skill and people, like me, who can’t seem to wash a dish.

Maybe it’s silly to find it so interesting that we can all be so different and all have such a similar affliction. I personally am a young white woman with a supportive family, a roof over my head, health insurance and enough money to pay my bills who struggles to get up every day and just live life. But I have things that other people want to have, and there are people with things I want, like a clean house and kids and jobs they can handle and thrive at.

I guess I realized, or realized again, that it’s important to have gratitude. I should be grateful for the things I have that others might feel a want for, but also realize the things I want and feel like I can’t have aren’t necessarily things I can’t have, they just aren’t things I have right now. So today, I am grateful for all the things I have, for being home with my wife and for being able to write this blog to share with all of you.