Me & Harry Potter

Ravenclaw
Redheaded Ravenclaw, 2011

I can’t quite find the words as to why these books are important to me.  I just love everything about them.  It wasn’t always that way though.  I didn’t grow up with them.  I didn’t read the books as they came out or wait in line for a copy.  I read the first three in high school in 2001 or so, and my friend bought me a copy of Goblet of Fire as it had just come out in paperback and she knew I was reading them.  I didn’t even finish it.  In 2005 a friend invited me to the midnight showing of the fourth film and I thought, better find that book and read it first.  I read it and it was good but I didn’t scramble to read the next two, which were already out by that time.  When Deathly Hallows came out I still hadn’t read Half-blood Prince and had trouble keeping away from spoilers, so I finally dug in and finished up.  Then the movies started coming.  Oh the movies.  It must have been going to see Half-Blood Prince that got me to reread the books, and at that point I became obsessed.  I read them in order and then, for some odd reason, I read them in reverse.  I got all the movies on DVD and watched them all the time.  I put together a costume.  I threw and went to Harry Potter parties.  I looked forward to the one thing I had left to be a part of – the premieres of the last two movies.  I went to the midnight showings, I dressed up, it was awesome.

So I guess in all that rambling through my history with Harry what I’m saying is the books didn’t resonate with me until I was an adult.  I was a sad, scared, worried adult and these books brought some light into my life.  They’re about love and bravery and being yourself.  And those are things I can get behind.

And on a fun note, I do have a tattoo which has HP significance.  If you know Harry Potter lore, you know where it comes from.  To me, it means selflessness and love and doing what’s right.

Always Tattoo

Happy birthday, Harry.

A Good/Bad Day Play by Play

I’m going to try and figure out how to explain to Wifey how I go through my 8-10 hour day home alone and get so little done by noting what I do throughout the day today.

4am – Wake up, smoke a cigarette, consider staying awake but the burden of those extra hours to fill is overwhelming so I go back to bed.

8:15 – Out of bed, smoke two cigarettes and drink coffee in the garage, no phone, trying to relax and think about my day.  Go inside then back outside to smoke again immediately and check all selling platforms on my phone.

9:00 – Sit on the couch wondering if I will fall back asleep. Keep awake by checking out all the mood charting apps I have on my phone but don’t use. Open them all and only one seems like it may be helpful. I mark my mood, the cup of coffee I drank and a few other things of note but close out because it’s getting complicated now. Go out to smoke more.  Make my daily to-do list.

9:30 – Stare at the huge, ominous pile of dishes on the sink. Stare at the huge pile of FBA stuff on the kitchen table. Choose the FBA stuff. Get some entered. Computer dies. Take it to the bedroom and sit in bed, entering info from my last shipment into Excel.

10:00 – Return phone call accepting a second teaching job for the fall. Although the head of my department is super nice I am pleased to get her voicemail and stumble through leaving a happy message. And I am happy to be accepting the job, I do love to teach.

10:15 – Start this post, smoke more cigarettes and drink my last cup of coffee.

11:00 – Decide to shower. It’s a hair-up day so it won’t take long. Put on real clothes because I know I will need to leave the house for cigarettes and to mail a package. Dread leaving the house. Smoke again and consider the dishes again. Decide on vacuuming, a much less daunting task.

11:20 – Go back in house and actually vacuum. Also fold and put away laundry and put more in the wash. Feel very accomplished, then remember the dishes and feel crappy again. Realize the last time I did dishes was Friday, a week ago, so not doing them is not an option. Feel a little energized from the vacuuming though, maybe the dishes won’t be so bad. Decide to do dishes after this cigarette. Decide to also watch Supernatural while washing dishes to take the edge off. Only one cigarette left though. Better check the car for more first.  Remember there’s liquor in the freezer from the weekend. Consider having an afternoon drink once dishes and errands are done. Suddenly realize I haven’t cooked dinner since Monday. Wonder what to make tonight. Realize there will be dirty dishes almost immediately after all these are clean.

12:00 – Commence dishes and Supernatural.  Almost immediately get call that the teaching job was given to someone else. Feel completely worthless because I didn’t have a reason not to call back immediately. Continue with the dishes anyway, knowing it will make Nicole happy to have a clean kitchen.

12:30 – Post dishes celebratory smoke. Still feel bad about the job because we really needed that money, but Nicole said it’s okay so it’s okay. Decide to leave the house for errands but am concerned about what I will do when I get home. Sitting in bed watching Supernatural sounds great. I can’t even remember what other things I could do.  My mind is a complete blank. Smoke my last cigarette and know there’s no turning back, I will now have to leave the house. Reread this post for errors to put off leaving. Switch laundry to put off leaving.

1:00 – Finally hit the road.

1:15 – Uneventful and quick post office drop. Stop in at Mom’s job and get some unexpected cash for helping out yesterday. Very good turn around for the day. Spend 45 minutes hanging out, which makes me uncomfortable because I’m always uncomfortable around everyone, even Mom, which makes me a little sad but still leave in good spirits.

2:10 – Quick stop at the gas station. The attendant whom I used to work with at my (and her) old job is there and we have a pleasant exchange. I leave smiling, though I talked myself out of a hot dog, a donut, a giant pickle and a newspaper and left with only cigarettes and a Coke slush.

2:25 – Arrive home in a super good mood after seeing a guy on a scooter with a Mohawk helmet and hearing I Lived by One Republic in the car. Have a mini dance party and sing a long parked in the driveway, knowing that the minute my feet pass through the front door my mood will drop.

2:30 – Elevated mood remains when I see the clean living room floor. Take a trip outside to water garden and pick some things, which I haven’t done so far this week. Choose housework over work work and clear FBA stuff off table. Check the last thing off my housework list! Wow!

3:00 – First meal of the day, leftover Chinese. Feel like a superhero for getting so much done, but simultaneously feel worthless because I don’t do this every day.  Feel guilty for wanting to end my productive day now and spend the next three hours messing around.  Smoke and contemplate all these mixed emotions.   Decide I’m a loser for missing out on that job. Decide against that afternoon drink because I have this Coke slush to give me comfort.

3:20 – Scroll through blog posts and see the one I read about Munchausen.  Worry that I’m faking everything and am just a lazy loser.  Worry my diagnosis is incorrect. Worry everyone hates me. Worry about going to the doctor. Worry about not going to the doctor. Worry about publishing this post.  Chain smoke to avoid deciding what to do with the rest of my horrible day.

3:30 Decide to work on FBA shipment. Go inside and immediately decide to do yoga instead.

4:00 – Only two hours left. Feeling calm after yoga. Now what? Decide not to think about it.  Get lost in YouTube videos about selling on EBay.

5:00 – Feel anxious about cooking dinner.  Feel anxious about tomorrow now that today is almost over.  Feel guilty about not completing FBA shipment. Wonder if I should do it. Realize it’s 5 and I can watch the news to bide my time. Suck it up and fold laundry while I’m at it.  Get on the computer and look at all selling platforms three times each. Land on Facebook and feel sad after looking at all the happy people who have friends and vacations.

6:00 – Time to start dinner finally.  Commence cooking and forget all my troubles.

6:45 – Nicole arrives home and my day is finally done.

Eating, Weight and Depression

Most days I wait as long as possible for my first meal of the day.  Some days it’s noon, other days it’s more like 3 or 4. I know this sounds terrible, but trust I eat more than enough. Because once I start eating, I don’t really stop. I’ll just keep eating until I’m overfull and then I’ll eat more. And I don’t eat particularly healthy either. I know that I should. And I do like healthy food, it’s my fav, but my wife doesn’t so we have all these other foods in the house and I have no will power not to eat them. I have an addiction to food.  I know that now.  Once I decide to eat something, if I don’t get it or I can’t have it, it makes me angry.  I have literally thrown tantrums about food.  As an adult.

I’ve always had problems with eating and food and weight.  I remember being concerned about it at such a young age.  Every summer I would dream of coming back to school the next fall having shed my extra weight.  It was the 90’s and there was no accept all bodies movement like there is now, no curvy hashtags.  I remember exactly two larger actresses on television, Lori from All That and that woman on The Practice.  I think it was The Practice.  Anyways, here I was, 11, 12, 13 years old wishing to be skinny.  And it’s funny because I didn’t want to fit in, I enjoyed being different, being the weird kid.

I still am that little girl, wanting to lose weight for the wrong reasons.  I can say all day long it is because I want to be healthy but I know there’s a large part of me that still just wants to ‘be skinny,’ because my brain still correlates skinny with happy.  As a kid I thought my weight was why I was unhappy, why I felt different from other people.  I know now that I was wrong.  I could be a size 0 and it wouldn’t cure this illness.

So now the reason for this post.  I have been following #curvy on instagram, looking up Pinterest pins of plus sized women looking lovely and fashionable, and I want to be in that boat with them, sailing the curvy seas in cute outfits and high heels (which by the way, I used to totally do.)  But that little part of my brain that still says ‘be skinny!’ won’t let me.  I think it doesn’t help that I have gained around 35 pounds in the last year, from 175 to 210.  And I’m only 5’3.  I am the heaviest I’ve ever been again, and I think I feel like a failure for letting it happen.

Two years ago.
Two years ago. 

Housework & Depression

I don’t know if I can explain how I feel today.  I feel sad.  I feel guilty for feeling sad.  I also feel guilty for taking the weekend off from housework.  Since I don’t have a job I try to take responsibility for the housework but I feel guilty when I don’t do enough.  I mean, I did a little bit today but not enough.  Not what I normally try to do, which already is pretty minimal.  I hate housework.  I love for the house to be clean though, so I understand it is a means to an end.

Over the weekend I was very grumpy.  Just annoyed and irritated by everything.  I knew that was how I was feeling so I just tried to keep quiet but when that wasn’t successful everything I said was just sarcastic.  And not funny sarcastic, like mean sarcastic.  I hate not being nice.

I think that’s all I feel like writing for now.  I have a videoblog to post too, but it’s just singing.  I could barely type this much less speak it out loud.  My head is just a jumble and I like to be concise.

Captain’s Log in Photos

OUTSIDE
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Our one lone okra, growing strong and tall.
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We have cherry tomatoes for days.
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Circle of life.

THE PUPS

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Dolly got new toys, so naturally…

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TREASURE HUNTING

Tommy Hilfiger disposal camera from 1997.
Tommy Hilfiger disposal camera from 1997.
1981 Garfield plush.  Nicole found this one.
1981 Garfield plush. Nicole found this one.
The Walking Dead video game controllers - there's a gun and a crossbow!
There’s a gun and a crossbow!
Giant chalk holder pencils.
Giant chalk holder pencils.

Weekend Realization Bullets

I took a break from blogging over the weekend, which felt reasonable, but then it unfortunately seeped into the work week as well.  Wifey and I had a great talk on Sunday so I was really inspired to do other things on Monday and Tuesday.  I won’t get too in depth on our conversation but it led to me to a lot of good conclusions.  I will list them here because I think it’s important I get my thoughts together for me to come back and review.

  • I can be strong, I don’t have to be weak all the time.
  • Doing housework is a stupid necessity for all adult humans and I am no exception.
  • Making money – also a necessity for all adult humans.
  • Wifey wants to spend with me even though some(most)times it seems like she doesn’t.

Vlog 07/17 – Karaoke Party ft. Fight Song by Rachel Platten

So the withdrawal, or Discontinuation Syndrome, from my antidepressants has hit me hard today.  I feel like my head is in a fishbowl with electric eels.  I wasn’t sure about taking the time to edit a video so I did a little karaoke party instead.  The eels seem to be calm when I’m singing.  So this is my first take no fancy stuff karaoke of Fight Song by Rachel Platten.  Coping skills ftw.