I Am Calm

I’m not sure how to start again, but I will.  Because I’m starting my life again.  The last two and a half days have been maybe the best two and a half days of my life.  I feel calm.

I had in patient treatment for a bad depressive episode and I have a new appreciation for many aspects of my life.  I’m also off one medicine and on two new ones in its stead.  (Although one is very expensive – how does anyone afford Abilify?)  My wife and I are trying to be more patient with each other. I am more aware that what she goes through as my spouse can be just as stressful as what I go through.

But overall, I do feel calm.  And it’s one of two things I learned from the psychotherapist where I was locked down.

The first was that of all the potential feelings I can have – which he named as mad, sad, glad, scared and calm – treatment should help me reach a state of calm.  It’s not meant to make you happy.  And it’s not that I didn’t know that, but I always just defaulted to wanting to be happy.  But that’s not true.  Calm is a good goal.  And happiness can bloom out of calm.

The second thing was that I don’t need to be one of those people with a bajillion balls in the air.  I need to simplify.  And it’s a coincidence that’s what we talked about, because while I was in the crazy pen (I felt like I was in jail) I read a book called Simplify Your Life and I picked this up about 24 hours before I talked with this gentleman.  Granted, the book did include things like ‘don’t go to lots of different stores’ and ‘go through your closet often’ but it did have some fun things and it was a nice coincidence.

Okay the cat just attacked a nickel.  I think it’s past our bedtime.