The Unicorn (Hypomania Personified)

My wife and I use dinosaurs to distinguish my moods. T-Rex is mixed episode angry, velociraptor is just mean, brontosaurus is lazy depression, triceratops is grumpy. I decided Hypomania is a unicorn. Lately at work I have all this energy, like I just want to get up and gallop around the room. Look how awesome I am! Let’s sing and dance and play! Don’t I just look beautiful today? Let’s go slide down a rainbow! Anything is possible!

A unicorn is perfect.

I had a wonderful, confidence-filled day today. Was it because I’m awesome or because I’m hypomanic? I don’t know. I think my episodes in the past have been mixed, and they’re always full of anger and grumpiness, but this is different. Last night I laid in bed awake with this just crazy energy in my body, like a rumbling almost. And before bed I caught myself talking loud, throwing f bombs around like candy at a parade and being overall not my general self. My overuse of the f word (which I have no problem saying at all I just tend to favor other curses) has been a sign of episodes in the past. Last night I felt that terrible tug to just do something.

I’m keeping a watchful eye on myself, but I have to say going to work today was frightening. Usually, since my episodes are mixed, I’ll be all up and happy and talkative to whomever, then afterward roll back downhill to oh wow why would you say that you made a fool of yourself. And those ups and downs are just awful, but in some ways I think it keeps me in check, keeps me from just jumping off the deep end. I think I was scared of what would happen without that. But honestly, other than having that ridiculous pent up energy, which has been happening for about a week and a half now, the day felt great. And I’m back to where I started. Was I actually awesome at my job today, or is it just a unicorn trick?

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Robin Williams

Word of his tragic passing came during my last break at work. When I got back, there was a buzz about what happened. I heard a girl say suicide is a cop out. I suppressed the urge to ask her if she also thought losing a battle with cancer was a cop out. Not only do I not know her, but I make it a point to not enter into any conversation that could upset me because of my sensitivity. Also because of my sensitivity, I’m posting this here. I just had to get off my mind. It just sucks that people are still ignorant about mental illness and so quick to talk about it. I just hope the people I do speak to about mental illness and about myself gain a little more understanding.