I’ve been watching the Olympics all day, every day. I have never watched this much of the Olympics before except maybe during the summer games of ’96 in Atlanta. I was really young then though, so I probably really just watched primetime. Anyway, I had never watched ice dancing before and now I think it […]
Housework Watch Update –
Cleaning dishes while cooking and then right after dinner – what a wonderful thing to do. First thing in the morning and the kitchen is already clean as a whistle. Feels great.
I made the decision on Monday to clean the house.
This might not sound like a big deal, but it really is. I’m sure I have mentioned before that I don’t clean. Not even a little. Sometimes I put my shoes in the bedroom instead of by the front door. And I make the bed in the morning. That’s about the extent of my regularly scheduled cleaning duties. I am not proud of this.
I was really good about cleaning the house for a while. I had a schedule, a really fancy one, and I stuck with it. But at that time, once my cleaning was done I was done with my day and I didn’t do anything for myself. So then I switched to only doing things for myself and not doing any housework. I have made the commitment to finding a balance between the things I want to do and the housework.
So on Monday I cleaned for five hours. A little excessive, I know, but it wasn’t a hypomanic thing. I just knew that I had to get the house to a good clean base level to make it possible for me to keep up with things day to day. My first day of upkeep housework, yesterday, went very well. I did the dishes, I swept the floor, I picked up some clutter. It was very easy and it was very happy-inducing.
Also, when I walk into the house, or into the kitchen, I feel great. The clean house is much more conducive to getting things done. So I am hoping that I can keep it up in balance with the other things I want to do. So Housework Watch 2014 begins!
There was an unfortunate incident yesterday at the grocery store. I was very, very irritated and I was being very obvious about it. Nicole called me on it and asked what was wrong, but I didn’t take that well. The whole situation played out poorly. It was my fault I think. I wasn’t willing or maybe not able to move past that anger.
As soon as we had both said sorry, and I really was sorry, I still felt bad. I went back to how I used to always be, where after a disagreement I felt like I needed constant coddling because I felt bad for doing something wrong. I pushed past it, but it was there. I had to bite my tongue instead of constantly asking, “Are you still mad?” “Are you sure?” “Are we okay?” “Are you okay?” I guess that part of it was good, but the argument was not handled well on my part.
Thursday I slept in. I cancelled my class because of bad weather and to give my students a break after their first big test. Instead of getting up on time (I get up between 5 and 6am,) I didn’t get up until 9 or 10. It completely wrecked my day. I still had breakfast and still had my coffee. I finished watching the first season of Under The Dome like I had planned. But after that, I was just stumped about what to do. I wanted to do something. I wanted to do everything. And I was excited about the prospects of having a whole day to get some fun things done. Instead, I just didn’t. I sat on the couch, restless but not doing anything. I hardly even remember what I did. I think I played games on my phone and Kindle.
I was just confused about what to do. I tried to make a list and I didn’t even know what to put on it. I didn’t want to leave the house, so I didn’t go to support group. I didn’t take a shower. I eventually gave up and went back to bed at around 3 or 4.
This sounds like depression, which is why I wonder if my episodes are mixed. It was just a crappy day. I wasn’t really in the annoyed, angry mood I’d been in on Wednesday, I was in pretty good spiritis, but I just couldn’t take action.
On Wednesday I moved from happy, excited hypomania to full on T-Rex. I’ve just been very angry over little things.
Since Monday, Nicole had been asking me to file our taxes, and when she asked me again about it Wednesday, I immediately got frustrated. Why did she insist I do it? Why did she have to nag me about it? As I did the taxes, I had questions for her, so I had to text her at work a lot, and every time I did I was just so annoyed and angry about having to wait for her to respond.
Before she got home, I pinpointed my feelings, realizing they weren’t because of anything she was doing. I sent her a message, warning her of my T-Rex status and telling her it wasn’t because of anything she was doing. I admitted to her I wasn’t happy about her coming home because I worried I would lash out at her. She understood right away, and said she would spend some time in her office so we didn’t really have to interact. That actually lessened my anger and worry for the evening and things were not bad when she got home.
This ability to pinpoint my feelings and share them with Nicole really helps me a lot. She is extremely good about understanding what I need and not pushing me past my limits. That’s the biggest advice I can give to people about relationships – you have to be honest, even when you’re in a bad mood and you don’t want to talk. Maybe especially when you’re in a bad mood.